Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
