Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
