i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
