my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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