This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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