it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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