____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
