dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
