peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
