Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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