I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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