So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
