Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
