i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
