Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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