things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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