I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
