Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
