You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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