Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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