Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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