I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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