I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
