Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
