Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
