If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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