I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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