I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
