Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
