Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
