Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
