I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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