Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
