You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Green mimosas i think yes
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
