Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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