Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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