Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
