Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
