This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
