I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
