I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
