New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
