At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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