How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
