So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
My liver just had a heart attack.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
