hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
