So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
