Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
