phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
