and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
