I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
